How to run a multi-million-dollar business into the ground

It’s not easy to run a multi-million-dollar business into the ground, but it can be done. Here is a simple, five-step formula for achieving this dubious goal.

One: Pay no attention to your competitors
Do not do a competitive intelligence examination to learn everything about your competition. Do not learn how they operate, who their customers are and why their products or services sell. Make a special point not to know their policies, procedures and promotions. Make an extra special point not to know their pricing.

Two: Pay no attention to your employees
You do not want to know your people too well. Make sure you do not know their special talents and skills or their likes or dislikes. Make double sure you do not know their achievements, backgrounds or personal thoughts. Make triple sure you do not know their inner feelings, needs or desires. People are simply another tool of the organization. If they do not produce you can replace them easily, cheaply and quickly. People are a cost, not an investment. They suck up the resources of the organization and do not contribute enough to cover their own costs. People are a problem, not an opportunity. They always take up too much of management’s time with questions, ideas and suggestions. It is simply better to ignore your employees and pretend none of them matter.

Three: Pay no attention to your infrastructure
When the city’s streets, bridges and water system begin to fail, the city still goes on. It does not matter that you cannot get where you must go to that you arrive on time or that you arrive at all. It is unimportant if the lives of ordinary people are disrupted–life will go on. It is always best to save as much money now on infrastructure as possible. Let the future take care of itself.

Keeping ahead of the infrastructure needs will only cost money and not help the bottom line in the short run, which is all that is important. Infrastructure expenditures are an evil to be kept to a minimum. They should always lag behind need and hold up progress as much as possible.

Four: Pay no attention to your customers
Customers never help you understand your products or ser vices. Customers never know how to use your products or services. They are always looking for quality, timeliness and attention to detail–expensive items that come right off the bottom line. Customers are always complaining and whining. They have no loyalty to your organization, your products or services. They have forgotten their proper role of buying and using your products or services without complaint, comment or complications. Do your best to ignore your customers. Make a special point of not listening or hearing their ideas suggestions and needs. Accept the fact that customers are necessary evil to be tolerated.

Five: Pay no attention to your mission, vision or values
A mission should be as long and as complicated and as impossible to understand as you can make it. This will help you make sure none of the employees, mangers or customers ever understand it. A mission understood is a prelude to the disaster of having to fulfill it.

A vision should be short-sighted and narrow-minded. It is important to focus on the small things. It is critical to have tunnel vision so you do not see the bad things that are uncomfortable and cause problems. A narrow vision allows you to blame others for things that go wrong.

Values are liberal, left-wing inventions designed to cause problems. They are invitations to an ethical base of operations that will destroy your bottom line. Avoid any values, as they will only cost you money.

It is not easy to run a multi-million dollar business into the ground, but it can be done. Simply follow this five-step formula. But remember to save an extra $50,000 so the lawyers can file the appropriate bankruptcy papers?